Saturday, May 9, 2009

Nog Hangs Out With Young Spock and Old Spock! And Dr. X Proclaims It the Best. Trek. Ever!

So I've complained recently that Hollywood gives us too many "origin" stories and too many "franchise reboots" but then here comes JJ Abrams and his new Star Trek and shows us how to combine them and get both of them right.

Unlike Zack Snyder's take on Watchmen, Abrams' Trek is respectful without being overly reverent. TV spots have proclaimed "This is not your father's Star Trek" (annoying the old-school Trekkies) but it's an accurate assessment: who ever thought we'd hear the Beastie Boys' "Sabotage" during a Star Trek chase through Iowa fields? But guess what? You'll dig it! (unless you're a whiny fanboy bent on having a bad time). There's no question this film wants to appeal to a younger audience that is likely not well-versed in Trek mythology (if at all) and the approach makes sense, but Abrams and cast know that you can't fully alienate the hardcore. Therefore, the film's twisty time-travel plotline allows for a crowd-pleasing visit from Nimoy's Spock, makes room for most of the show's famous catchphrases ("Set phasers to stun!" "Live long and prosper."), and even finds time for young Kirk to get romantic with a sexy green-skinned alien (a clever reference to Kirk's reputation for banging his way across the galaxy). The young cast is surprisingly strong and the special effects are top-notch. Go see it, several times, while you wait for Tom Hanks' Angels and Demons to arrive next week and return us to the usual clunky dialogue of the summer season.


But what about two-time viewer Dr. X.

He "proclaims Star Trek very fine indeed. It is EASILY the best Star Trek movie (Yes, nerds, even more than the beloved Kahn-Wrathing)... and as someone profoundly more well-read on theoretical astrophysics than you, Mr. Ebert... Shecky :)... I declare your problems with black holes, time travel, and parallel universes entirely irrelevant: Mrs. S loved it. It is the best. Period."

Trekkies, if you're reading, we'd like to hear your fury with this assessment!


  1. Dr. X lives long and **** like a boy from Iowa!May 10, 2009 at 7:23 AM

    Very eloquent.

    You're free to cut and paste my thoughts from facebook on this -- but I think I can sum it up by saying: Star Trek is the MUTHAFUCKI BOMB!

    The ONLY way it could have been improved would have been to watch Kirk get freak nasty with the hot Orion slave girl... or for the HOSG to get freaky with Uhura! And then they could both get freakity with Kirk! But, I don't really think I wanna see Spock and Uhura get freakity with each other... I prefer Spock to be more of the thinker -- not the lover.

    Essentially, the only thing that could have been done would be to have hot HOSG on Uhura action. as much Alien breasticles as possible with the beauty of a rainbow as they slide, slide, slippity, slide all over each other -- with Romulan shit exploding everywhere.

    Maybe throw the young Winona Ryder in there for flavor... but... I could probably have done without that two.

    --But I do so hope ST 2 will be subtitled -- the Search for Alien Tail!

  2. green alien loverMay 10, 2009 at 9:55 AM

    Yeah, I'll pop up some of your Facebook thoughts later.

    But the Spock/Uhura thing puzzled me as well. Is there any basis for that in the past? Or is that pure Abrams?

    Myself, I enjoy Uhura's boots and skirts very much!

  3. Dr. X's mid-afternoon thoughtMay 10, 2009 at 3:54 PM


    I believe it is canon that the Vulcan must mate every 7 years or his shit explodes. That would not work. But, it appears that Spock is getting his Vulcan freak on with some regularity... slipping his engorged-mastiff deep within Uhura's musk uhura. Then again, they are back in those sexy mini skirts -- so perhaps there is a proper scene of odoriferous decorum on a sweaty-bridge.

    Perhaps not.

    But I do not believe Uhura and Spock touched green-engorged vein in prior Star Trek (She did her fan dance for Kirk once -- but she's not having any of that shit in the Abrams -verse! Skoal!).

    --I would so pay to watch hot Orion women fuck weekly as a television show. Its not quite Lost. It's better!

  4. The best CGI spectacle ever made,

    but it's only a _good_ movie.

    It could be a great movie if and only if you:

    - Get rid of all the characters (and their absurd costumes/sexual urges/melodramatics).
    - Strip away the narrative.
    - Set all ships to autopilot.
    - Commence with a motion-picture travelogue, surveying imaginary planets and supernovas and creatures and other cool space shit.
    - Intercut episodes of machine-on-machine violence agaist heavy metal music.
    - Fill in the rest of the soundtrack with Vangelis's score from ANTARCTICA.