Monday, April 13, 2009

Dr. X's Column: Dr. X. Dares to Watch A Film He Once Refused To Watch!

While Richard formulates some thoughts on Observe and Report and the oeuvre of its writer/director Jody Hill, Dr. X. steps in with a long-delayed review of Into the Wild, a movie he once trashed from afar while refusing to watch (to the annoyance of Richard and Beth) but which he now trashes from close range! His review also suggests that he's seen Twilight. What other dark secrets will we discover about his viewing habits? Stay tuned for this occasional column!

"See, now -- I have seen Into the Wild (I was bored in a hotel room at a conference last year). As much as I thought I would hate it... I hated it even more. I even found Eddie's Soundtrack choices lugubrious. And while I full well understand that the movie is a trueish story... I completely found Hirsch utterly unwatchable, the story stillborn (I know, ya can't change the truth.. but it's Sean Penn, so... Why not?) and the ending as worthless as the prospects of me paying 5$ to watch it.

I have said it before, and I will say it again: we have done this story a million times before. Hollywood continues to pick up properties that they think we'll watch because they have a tried and true tradition... but, in a climate of fiscal non-solvency such as the one we're currently mired in... I'm not looking for the same damned survival story again.

I mean -- I truthfully preferred the pinball game that was Speed Racer over this. Yes, the imagery is shot beautifully. Yes the cinematography was resonant. Yes, the acting was fine. I don't care. The cinematography in Twilight was beautiful (and if you throw a blue-cast lens onto the American NW, it really becomes beautiful) -- and it was still a piece of shit. Into the Wild was not necessarily a piece of shit... but it was an entirely forgettable moment of the year. It's just kinda another of a series of personal Hollywood pet projects where major named stars, auteurs or directors take on something that they have solipsistic passion about and then spend a bunch of money and then try and blame the rest of the world when we don't find the same value that they did.

And, I don't want to hear any of this art bullshit. We are not in the Wilde years. This is not literary decadence. There's no VITALITY to this nonsense. That's why it doesn't resonate even thought it's good. Jack Palence made a hundred films that were spot on and priceless to me... but very few of them were imbued with a timeless and ephemeral vitality that demanded that they be watched (Maybe Cyborg 2). The Duke. Same time period. Same manner of movies. Absolutely vitality. They could give him his own channel.

And I think this is a fairly true distillation of my point concerning the endlessly hip and disposable. For every good cum great piece of film, poetry, art... what have you... everything that makes the selfless grab their fecking PBR and admonish the supposed dilettante for being part of the total scene of which they neither know themselves or really care to explain (But they read that it was important in pitchfork/ New Yorker... and surely THEY know what they're talking about... because the magazine trade isn't dying or anything.)... there is a disposability about it that makes it unprofitable. It doesn't have a grasp of the zeitgeist nor the testicular fortitude to form it.

Great movies can lack soul. The Breakfast Club, god help me, had soul... Into the Wild had a couple of good Eddie Vedder songs and director of Photography that should work for the Nature channel. Is it wrong for one to like it/ love it? Abso-damn-lutely not.

But if someone tries to tell me how important that piece of shit is... well, yon best don your chainmail -- I'm coming at you with a fucking bludgeon.

--Oh, and Happy Easter everyone :)!"


  1. What I will take from this review above all else:
    "The Breakfast Club, god help me, had soul..."


  2. What I will take from this is that Joe may have seen "Twilight!"

    The only movies that have "a grasp of the zeitgeist" right now are bromances. And maybe Hannah Montana.

  3. Dr. X, the Mischievous AssholeApril 13, 2009 at 4:08 PM


    Observe and Report has also caught my eye as a potential little nugget that is striving to push the socio-anagogic spheres of acceptability and grace past known levels. As it has caught Mrs. S' eye as something she'd like to see (sexy comment to follow) IN SPITE OF the crude bordering on perverse nature of Rogen's character has me tickled with horny delight that Mrs. S has seen the ways of dude flick and proclaimed it good. If we add the fact that she found I Love You, Man as boring as I did (EXCEPT for Peter Segal!) and I think we can all see a beautiful Summer of Sommers at the Movies in sight!

    --I love my wife, we're becoming more and more each other everyday... now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to watch a Grey's Anatomy double double.

    PS... but I'm hoping for more hot lesbian action whereas she hopes for strong language and intense situations!

  4. Dr. X, Muther Fucking Action Cougar!April 13, 2009 at 4:14 PM


    Of course I have seen Twilight. I have also read all 4.35 books. I proclaim them absolute garbage. Anyone wanna wrestle on that... I have taken down the Great Sage of South (WAYNE!) on this very issue and convinced his wife to yield to my way.

    I will fiercely obliterate any further discussion on the matter like a young tiger cub tearing apart a beautiful gazelle caught between his teeth and the oversized cattle-catcher of a freight train.

    --Because now I'm a fucking puma. Bitches!

  5. It's good to see the wife coming around to pure crudeness(soon: it's Bruno time!).

    But now she must learn to love robot movies in time for Transformers 2: Revenge of Something I Can't Recall Right Now!

    (also, Observe is preceded by the trailers of every comedy and robot film coming in the next four years!).